Lupus, RA, Methotrexate, Boobs, and Hair.

It's been a few months since I last updated this blog. A lot has happened in those few months, and not all of it is something to be thankful about. I had so many great ideas for what I wanted to do with this blog. I'm going to toss all of that out the window. I think what I want to do now is something that I need.


I need to find somewhere I can be honest. I'm not even honest with myself and I think that's why I'm eating everything in sight. I'm sure it's illegal to eat your feelings more than once a month. I'm hiding my pain, between pies and cupcakes. I feel like the only thing I can control is what I eat but even this is laughable.

The junk I eat is causing more problems for my health.

Like this but with pies.

I decided to go and see a rheumatologist. When I got pregnant with Red, I was doing fine and then we relocated 1500 miles away, when I was 22 weeks pregnant. At that point I couldn't find a doctor to treat my "autoimmune disease". It wasn't diagnosed yet, by that doctor but soon I would learn that having something undeclared was just as bad as having a name to go with the pain. I figured I could just wing it all. The birth, the after stuff, and even my own health. Seriously,  who needs a doctor that knows everything about everything? Not this woman!

I should have seen this as denial, but that's the clever thing about being in denial. 

My plan was to have Red, then bounce back like nothing was ever wrong. Well, I had Red, and once she came out I decided right then I was going to breastfeed. I fought hard to breastfeed, because little baby Red, was dairy and soy intolerant with a nice bit of reflux. I went dairy and soy free, for my little Red. Then around 7 months my body started to wear down. Mr. Lupp, was having to work from home to take care of me and baby Red. This wasn't ideal. I had to seek help. It took 3 months of waiting for an appointment. That's when I was told that I either had Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus. My blood tests came back positive and elevated for anti-nuclear antibodies (ANA). I had heard those scary words before, but this time it was real. The Rheumatologist said, I needed to take a certain type of drug to slow down my immune system. I needed to stop breastfeeding.

This is when disappointment started to settle into my life. 

The afternoon of November 16, I started methotrexate. I take that along with some steroids and NASIDs. The 23rd was my second dose and I've started to see my hair fall out. In anticipation I cut my hair really short. I figured it would hurt less to see short hairs falling out, than long strands of hair. This theory didn't hold true yesterday. I had a good cry in the shower as my fingers had tiny bits of hair stuck to them. It was as if I had just come back from the barber. I cried. Hair is just hair but this was the first time that I recognized that there is something seriously wrong with my body.

I hurt all over. I'm weak. I live with pain. Now I'm taking drugs to combat my immune system and dealing with those side effects. On top of it all I'm gaining weight like a prized pig. I need to stop eating my feelings. I need to gain real control over my body.

How?

How can I help myself?

This is where I will use the help of having a blog. I'm going to document my struggles. I'm going to face my problems, in my quiet little corner of the internet. I'm not sure "how" but I do know that I can't risk living in denial much longer.